Only In My Dreams
by Animeaholic
Summary: The beautiful face that never smiled, the feelings he never realized, the regrets that will always haunt him, and the dream he can never forget.


**Only In My Dreams**

**A/N:** This is my third contribution to the YxF section. It is a quick monologue about Yzak's past regrets, and a recurring dream that is pleasant yet cruel. I have always enjoyed writing monologues and I really hope I am able to provide you, dear reader, with an enjoyable short story. For those of you looking forward to the second part of the "Opposites" trilogy, then I have some pretty good news for you, I am currently 10,587 words in. However, there is still a good little chunk left. Without any major setbacks, it should be up by next week. The idea for this one came to me when I got up this morning, it stemmed from a scraped idea for the Opposites trilogy that I thought would be a nice thing to expand into a narrative. If I wanted to, I could write more and make this deeper than it actually is, but it was never meant to be a lengthy piece, it was intended to be done in one sitting. And I think that if I put too much into it, it would become over inflated and stale. I hope you enjoy and please take the time to leave your feedback, reviews are very important to me. I apologize for any grammar and spelling errors, I always try my best to avoid them, but sometimes they slip away.

**Genres: **Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Romance

**Rated: **T for suggestive scenes

**Summary: **The beautiful face that never smiled, the feelings he never realized, the regrets that will always haunt him, and the dream he can never forget.

**Date Started: **Thursday, April 07, 2011 5:11 pm.

**Date Finished: **Thursday, April 07, 2011 6:15 pm.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Gundam Seed or any of its characters.

00000

It seems as though no matter how many years go by, I will be forever incapable of leaving behind the dream. It is a representation of that awful year, and in a way, I suppose it reminds me of how I felt back then. But it also reminds me of my regrets, and how my foolishness prevented me from chasing after my urges. Whenever I awake from this dream, I am filled with a strange sensation of happiness and pain. I consider it to be a pleasant dream about the infatuations of my youth, I am fond of it, but it is just a dream, and that is all it will ever be.

She was truly beautiful, and in the years since her tragic death, I have never bore witness to a woman of such natural elegance. When I first saw her I tingled inside. Her cherry red hair and innocent gray eyes, which were so filled with sadness, caused my heart to race. I always had a desire to see her smile, but that is a luxury that only exists in the illusion of the dream.

To this day, I still find myself unsure of why I was so intrigued by her. Was it simply her beauty? No, it must have been more than that. The feeling she gave me could never be inspired by beauty alone. Perhaps it was sympathy, she was a prisoner after all, and there was a mysterious sadness in those eyes, a look of fear that drew me in like metal to a magnet.

The dream came for the first time that night. She smiles at me, a look of genuine pleasure. I peel off her clothes one by one; she tears off my shirt and drops my pants. I pull her into my gentle embrace and run my hands down her smooth milky skin, delicately caressing it like fine silk. Our naked bodies conform to each other, and the look she gives me causes my groin to ache and throb. My body fills with electricity as she bites my neck. She whispers into my ear, _Yzak._ My name never sounds so sweet. We fall onto the bed together, exchanging deep kisses and teasing each other's bodies. As we give into each other my head begins to spin, nothing ever feels so good, so intimate, and so meaningful. Half way through she begins to cry, not out of pain or disgust, but because she is happy, and it had been such a long time since she was able to feel so good, such a long time since she had been able to smile. As the dream begins to fade, she says she loves me, but I always awake before I have the chance to respond.

And that is the dream that has stuck with me all of these years, haunting and pleasing me on these silent lonely nights. Reminding me of what I'll never have. Sometimes, I feel like crying, and other times I feel like laughing, to me, the dream defines bittersweet. I find it strange that these emotions still dwell inside me. Anger, joy, and even sadness are often momentary, but even if they weren't, they eventually died. But young lust always lives on, you don't always think about it, but you always have it inside of you, you always remember that spark.

I know now that I loved her, and that makes it so much harder to deal with. I thought about her every day, and when I laid down to sleep at night, she always visited me. I had to have her, even if she only appeared as a figment of my imagination, an illusion constructed from desire, all I wanted was to make the dream come true. And yet, the only words I ever remember saying to her were "Sit down already!" Sometimes, I would catch her sneaking glances at me, and it would send warm tingles down my spine. I would always wonder if there was some way, some chance, that she had felt the dream too, that it would bring us together and shine light upon our grim lives.

No matter how much I needed her, I never had the strength to try; my pride would not allow it. Maybe it was because she was a natural, or maybe it was because I hated the fact that I wanted her. I always said that I would go for it someday, but I guess it's easy to lose track of time while you're fighting a war, and before I knew it, she was gone.

Gone. My chance to make the dream a reality had disappeared. Not just gone from my life, but gone forever. Gone was the only chance I ever had to get to know the face I loved so deeply in my dreams. If only I had taken my opportunity when I had the chance, then perhaps the dream wouldn't haunt me so much well into my adult life. But the regrets will always be there.

Sometimes, I wonder if it's better that it didn't happen. Maybe it wouldn't have turned out so special, and ruined a magical feeling for me. But when I think of what could have been, what will never be, I always feel like crying.

There are no remedies for my sorrow, the pain of never knowing the women I love goes on and on, never escalating, but never diminishing, and always managing to leave at least a small impression of happiness upon me. The dream arrives at least once every 6 months, sometimes more, but never less.

The beautiful face that I can't leave behind, the majestic emotions that were never truly realized, the misconception that every time I dream, it feels real. It illustrates everything I wish I could change, and reminds me of everything that will remain forever lost.

Flay Allster, the women I always loved, but only knew in my dreams.

00000

**A/N:** Well I hope you all enjoyed that, and if you did, I hope you take the time to review and let me know. In the future, I may write larger monologue's for other CE characters, if you have any ideas or suggestions that you would like to share with me feel free. But I can't make any promises. Thank you very much for reading, and stayed tuned for **Opposites: Suppression.**


End file.
